Wondering….

The keyboard just called me.

I’m unsure why.

But someone who I admire and adore – but have yet to meet in person – today told me that she loves everything I write.

So why have I stopped writing?

The keyboard literally used to call me all the time. In the middle of the night, I’d wake up, restless, and oh so desperate to just write. Write. Words. Soul. Sense. No sense. Who cares? Just to see words appear before me. My brain spewing everything onto paper, so it doesn’t need to poison me from the inside.

I just took a break. The TV was blaring in the living room. Not watched by anyone. I turned it off. Felt the urge to light a candle, and sit in the darkness of my office, bar the candle light and the now dimmed brightness of my computer screen.

Ten finger typing. Such bliss. Why WAS I so desperate back in the day to learn how to type on a typewriter? Pre computers… But, hey, I’m so glad I did.

I don’t know where this is taking me, but I gradually feel myself unfold. Lights off. Sounds off. Candle on. Beautiful flickering natural light. Phone off. So nice. Feet firmly on the ground. I LITERALLY feel myself unfold. I notice the word “literally”, which makes me think of “literary”…

Are these words related? Is this a coincidence?

Either way… Just reread the start of this, which is putting me back onto my original train of thought.

Why HAVE I stopped writing? I think I feel disheartened. A little lost. A little unsure. A bit worried. But should any of that matter? Or should I just let my fingers flow? F*** it. Let’s flow, fingers, and see where you take me.

Maybe that’s the secret. To stop thinking about what to write and to just do it instead. To hear the tap, tap, tapping of the keyboard, and to feel a little lighter with each word. Maybe it’s because I have to focus on what I am doing, instead of being attacked by all these thoughts of ‘shoulds’ and ‘what to dos’ and ‘how tos’. Maybe none of that matters. Actually, I KNOW that none of that matters.

Last year I stumbled across Human Design. A life-changer for me. I am still learning, but just remembered that I need to let all questions go. They are irrelevant. There are no answers. I will only torture myself unless I watch them pass like a flock of migrating birds. Goodbye questions! I see you, but I won’t try to hold onto you any more.

Also stumbled across an amazing book, called “The Key to Self-Liberation – Life Philosophy for a Happy and Healthy Existence – Encyclopedia of Psychosomatics – Fundamental Psychological Origins of and Solutions to 1,000 Diseases and Other Phenomena” by Christiane Beerlandt. Every little ailment I have and am currently suffering from, points me in the same direction. I need to step up. Step into my power. Be brave and trust my inner self. Stop worrying about pleasing others and start listening to my soul. Start being the flow. Start growing into my power instead of keeping myself small. Ooooh, typing is getting harder. I start hesitating. Erasing. Questioning myself. ‘Can I/should I’ really write this? Well, fuck it! Yes! I even typed out fuck it this time instead of using stars. No more censoring myself. My thoughts, my words, my power, and guess what, my hands have started typing faster than I can type, and I am smiling.

I am typing in the right direction.

More writing.

Fewer questions.

Just flow.

Thank you soul! I love you. <3 (hesitated writing this, but am not taking it back. I bloody love you SOUL! You always know what will do me good. I promise I will listen more ofte… Nope. I promise I will listen. Full. Stop.