I don’t quite know why, but I have the sudden urge to write, yet I’m not even sure what about. So I will just let my fingers play the keyboard and see what letters come out in which order.
Lately things have been going great, but also felt as though they’re – on the surface – not working out. I applied for the TEDx Global Search, and didn’t get in. Is that the end of the world? Hell no! Lots and lots of good stuff has happened because of it, and I had actually already bought myself a ticket to TEDxLondon, booked flights and a hotel, and I am really, really excited I’ll be part of it! Did I feel disappointed when I heard the news? A little, yes, of course! But mostly I was just excited that I had taken part. That I had tried. That I had given my best. And that I was going. And happy that I finally knew the answer. And I don’t even think I wasn’t good enough; I just think it wasn’t my time – yet.
But there are a few things I’ve been putting off – a few applications and submissions for things that could help me make my work more visible, and I am sitting here, wondering why that is. Have I been busy? Yes. I have actually. Really busy. But have I been too busy to apply and submit my work? No. I have not. I have just not made it my priority. I have been making excuses as to why I ‘haven’t been able to do it yet’ (“deadline’s not here yet”, “client work comes first”, “the light is not right today for taking photos of my work”, “this cupboard that has been in the same shape for the last 7-ish years absolutely needs sorting out and cleaned out right now, THIS MINUTE”, etc. You get the gist.).
So what is actually stopping me? Is it fear of being rejected (again)? Of not being good enough? Of not being right for the event? Fear of being judged? Fear of being seen? Am I falling into my old patterns, feeding my old insecurities, am I embracing my old self-sabotaging beliefs? Yup. For sure. Am I going to let myself do that? [Uncomfortable internal squirming and lots and lots of hesitating] [deep breath – so interesting to pay attention to what is happening in my body – observing, straightening up, now smiling…] No. The answer is no. I will absolutely not fall into my old patterns. I will absolutely not self-sabotage myself into believing I am somehow less. I will acknowledge these thoughts, acknowledge that I can’t control them, nor can I control the past, and then I will [with huge thanks to Gay Hendricks and his book “The Genius Zone” for these tools and this quote] “replace those fretful, frustrating and fruitless thoughts with ideas about what I can change right now, and watch the magic reveal itself”.
Right. With that in mind, I’m off. Cup of tea first though I think.
Love, Elke
x
Published on Oct 26, 2025